Sunday, May 18, 2014

Fly

I'm not enough. 
I'm not worthy. 
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not skinny enough. 
I'm not rich enough. 
I'm not valuable. 
I'm not significant. 
I'm not good enough. 
I'm not polished enough. 


Last week, I had to do something that re-opened a wound that I still have difficulty letting go of after many, many, many years. This wound has a way of taking me to the root of all of my pain and rehashing it all out over and over. By the time the week was over, I was unsure of everything I knew.  

Because Sunday started my week off in pain, I had difficulty just getting through the week. 

Getting up and getting motivated was hard. Wednesday was especially hard. This leukemia journey with Jace is long. There's not much else to say. To everyone he looks great. He has his hair back and runs with boundless energy. This IS a victory. 

As we drove home Sunday afternoon, we listened to a sermon that spoke directly to me. 

Everyone knows the story of David and Goliath. Everyone knows it ends in Victory. But not everyone knows about "the grind" behind the story. 

David is hands-down my favorite character in the Bible. He wasn't perfect, but he was raw, honest, deep and faithful. I love his acute awareness for God and his need for God in his life. 

Monday, I started the week feeling tired of the grind and ready to just give up. 

The week didn't get easier, but by Thursday my sweet husband had paid for me to go to our church's women's conference. I, truthfully, had to force myself to go. I was not in the mood for much of anything, but I sat as a woman talked to me about patience as God places us in an environment to receive what God will give us. 

Patience. 

OK, God. I'm listening. 

The next night I sat as a women repeated me to me all of the things I had been telling myself. All of the first things you read when you first opened this entry. 

She immediately pointed us to Galatians 6:3. 

Boom. In your face, Tisha. 

"If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves."

For weeks, I've been discouraged and tired of sharing my/our story. I'm out of words. I don't feel worthy enough to share. I don't feel polished enough to speak to people about it. I'm tired of "being inspiring." I've been on my knees begging for a break from "the grind." 

And then I heard an angel (who is also named Natalie) speak directly to me: "Share your story. Speak your truth. You were saved to save. You were blessed to bless. You were loved to love. There are people only you can reach." 

Boom. Again. 

Ok, God. I'm willing. I will stop deceiving myself. I will look past myself in order to go out in the world and grab what you have for me. I hear You.

The grind is tiring. The grind isn't easy. It's always harder when you get deep into the middle of it all. It never looks that hard when you start out and it always looks easier to those watching you.  I'm not trying to be inspiring most days. I'm just trying to get up and be sure the kids are taken care of and that we all eat and get enough sleep. My faith is solid, but just because of that doesn't mean I'm signed up for an easy life. 

Seven days ago I was in a much different place than I am in today. 

I'm listening. I'm stepping aside to let God in my boat because even if it's sinking, HE is there to carry me above the waves. 


I'm leaning into willingness. 
I'm leaning into prayer. 
I'm leaning into the word. 
I'm leaning into gratitude. 
I'm leaning into forgiveness. 
I'm leaning into praise. 
I'm leaning into His grace. 
I'm leaning into His love. 

I'm dropping all of the deceiving things I've been telling myself right at the feet of Jesus. He doesn't want me carrying those things around anyway. He didn't create me to be those things. He wants me just as I am. He wants me to embrace me so that I can fly the way He always intended. 

xoxox

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/10603835/?claim=g4n5n5z2new">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>