Sunday, June 22, 2014

Struggle is Real

This struggle is real. The journey is long. I'm imperfect and vulnerable.

I've been doing my best to be as candid as possible during this journey with Jace and his leukemia treatment, but it is proving to be harder and harder. And since I'm working through all of that it's best to do that here, in my own space. 

I will update on Jace's treatment and progress and all of the cool things he gets to do (Make A Wish & Kenna's Kids) on his Caring Bridge & FB later this week. So, if you follow there, be watching. 

But here I am working out everything on my heart and mind and trying to keep all of that separate for those that just want to hear about Jace. 

Here's some of what's been in my head lately: 

*Our struggle is definitely not as difficult as others' & they deserve more help/love than we do. 

*I don't want to be grateful in this moment. 

*I'm making a bigger/smaller deal of this journey than I should be.  

*I'm so much more than just "Super Jace's Mom." 

*Where do I belong now? 

This journey doesn't get easier.

 If you've been my friend BEFORE cancer then you know gratitude is at the heart of my spirit. 

This struggle is real. The journey is long. I'm imperfect and vulnerable. 

Earlier this week, the girls convinced me to take them to see the movie "The Fault in Our Stars.

WHY? We are living this life and don't need to see someone else make it what it's not. 

Movies like this, that try to give other people a view into some kind of lifestyle, are typically FAR from reality. 

This one is not any different than the others. 

I'm sure there are some parts that triggered tears from those who have lived this cancer life. 

I was not one of them. 

Maybe it's because I've cried enough tears in the last few years over this journey to meet my movie-crying quota forever. 

Maybe it's because I've watched other families lose their children to cancer and saw how real and raw that pain is. 

Maybe it's because the reality of cancer was not what was staring back at me on the screen. 

Maybe it's because I know that Hollywood and most of the real world is afraid of seeing the reality cancer has on patients and families. It's easier to make everyone look pretty and have it all end in a neatly packaged, scripted 120 minute movie. 

Then, everyone can get up, walk away from the theatre and go back to living their lives with blinders on. 

That's easier. 

I get that. 

I get it. But I'm not living it.

This journey can do a number on your mind and heart and relationships. I've said before how isolating it is and how alone it makes you feel and it is still true. 

It's so much easier to just stay in our safe place all together than go out and try to be "normal." 

And while easier, we do our very best to continue to feel the fear and do it anyway. We know that God has given us this journey for a reason far bigger than we know. 

When I get tired of speaking or telling our story, I'm reminded that God wants us to share the struggles as well as the victories.

I'm reminded that I AM worthy of love and help. 

I'm reminded how being grateful in all things can change your heart even in the toughest times.

I'm humbled by His grace and how out of a thousand people if just one comes forward and says that our story or our faith has helped them in some way, that was His purpose. 

Thank you, Lord, for this day. 
I will rejoice and be glad in in it. 
I will not have a spirit of fear because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 
I am anointed, highly favored and incredibly blessed. 
I will feel the fear and do it anyway. 
I will be a light bringer, an honor giver and I will make someone feel awesome, not awful. 
I was meant to serve, be thankful in all circumstances and elevate my thinking, being and doing and I will do that today.