Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The World is Not my Friend

This past weekend we took a family camping trip to a place called Camp John Marc. We went last year during Jace's first year of treatment. It's an oncology camp for kids and their families who are being treated at Children's Medical Center. 

I admit it. I wasn't really excited about going this year. It's a place that makes you vulnerable. It reminds you of the club you're a part of - the one none of us asked to join. 

I was already vulnerable. I was already emotionally raw. This grieving thing is not easy and I've already done it so many times, I should be a pro. 

I'm not. 

I came home Sunday tired and sore (that kickball game was hardcore competitive). I also came back with a new perspective and a reminder that I need to schedule fun and play into my very daunting and emotionally difficult schedule. It reminded me to check out from technology. We had no reception for 3 days and it was the best thing to happen to me. 

In times of stress, I'm a doer. When Jace first got sick, I set to work organizing and working a plan. Thankfully, I've taken the Kendall Life Language Assessment and have a little more insight into who and what I am. So, while the world would think being a "doer" is a good thing, I know it's just another way to numb myself from all that is going on with me in this moment. 

I have to work at being still and calm. This week was a little worse because I was in "single mom mode" since Jason had long training hours in Dallas. 

The world is not my friend because the world and it's demands do not allow time for me to be still or calm. There is no time in my day to find solitude. I have to be very intentional about finding moments of stillness. 

The world is not my friend because it tells me that numbing my grief and stress is the better way. I know it's not. It's a lie. I need time and space to grieve. 

The world is not my friend because it tells me I need to be "connected" online most of my day. Also a lie. For me, I need genuine, authentic, face-to-face connections a few times in my day. 

The world is not my friend because it tells me being alone is bad. Not true. I know that I need time alone each day to breathe, reflect, and rest. 

The world is not my friend because it tells me I have to be a slave to my phone, email, other people's expectations and demands. Whatever. Don't be offended if I don't respond to you right away, especially now. Some times I'm not in a good place to even have a good text message conversation. 

The world is not my friend because this world is not my destination. I was not meant to stay here forever. It was not meant to give me a comfortable experience. 

So many questions still swirl around in my head and it, honestly, doesn't matter what anyone else feels or thinks about my questions. They are my questions. This is my moment. This is what my grief looks like. This is my story. And as hard as it is, I will rebel against everything the world tells me because it is not the truth. 

"Do not be transformed by the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:12