Thursday, October 16, 2014

Unraveling

"Are the days getting any better?"
"Just wanted to check on you. It seems like you're struggling a lot lately." 

I'm so thankful for people who are brave enough to actually check in on me. I know my life and it's struggles can be overwhelming to others, even intimidating.  (it is for me, too)

i sit. 

i cry out. 

i pray. 

i praise. 

There's so much of my story that I haven't shared yet. So many details of my own iceberg that isn't visible to the rest of the world. So many things I've wanted to share, but was silenced because of shame or fear. 

I am grieving the death of my mom. But that's not all. 

I'm grieving having to put my dad in a facility 500 miles away from me because of Alzheimer's and dementia. 

I'm grieving my brother having to have his own guardian now who is not a family member. 

I'm grieving my family. 

I'm grieving the unraveling. 

The truth is that so many things with my family of origin was a facade. More things than you can even imagine. Things that I know. Things that I saw. Things that I experienced. Things that if I told them to you, you'd probably tell me I was making it all up. 

Boy, do I wish I was. 

Someone asked me last week if I felt alone. 

Yes. I do feel alone a lot, but it's not a new feeling. I felt that way long before this season. I know that feelings are not the truth, though. 

The truth is that I am struggling. 

The truth is behind this face, this smile, this attitude of gratitude, I do struggle with this season. I wonder why. I wonder when I will find a time of rest. I wonder why me. 

I don't share all of this with you so you will pity me. 

I simply share it with you because I want someone out there, someone like me, someone struggling to know they are not alone. 

I share all of this with you so that my fear and shame will no longer have a voice. 

In my truth and in my story, I'm finding authenticity. 

All the while still going on this journey with Jace. Yesterday during chemo, we found out his end-of-treatment date. Yes, I'm thankful we have an end date. At the same time, I'm grieving the expectation I had that the date was sooner and the expectation I had for his kindergarten year. 

Without revealing the date (we want Jace to do that himself), I will say that he will be in treatment for his entire kindergarten school year. My hope was that he would be able to enjoy at least part of it as a "normal" kid. 

The truth is I am thankful through it all. I am praising even through the tears and the grief. 

God is good. I want those that read my story or see me in person to know that is always the bottom line for me. 

He has shown me His faithfulness and love time and time again. I never want my grief or my struggle or my pain to overpower that bottom line. 

I am not alone.

I am loved. 

I am highly favored. 

...and so are you. 

xoxo