Sunday, March 15, 2015

No Inspirational Speeches, Please.

I'm sure at some point I'm going to offend someone with my writing here.  This blog could be it. {Meh. It's my blog anyway.}

Many of you know that I did something pretty difficult the past week. I let my circle of trust know and as always they were supportive and understanding. Those in that circle were chosen a long time ago when Jace first got sick, but I learned how powerful the concept was while I was going through my divorce. Not everyone needs to know every detail of your struggle. Not everyone will be compassionate. Not everyone will know what not to say.

Not everyone will care. 

My circle of trust doesn't try to inspire me or give me advice or lecture me on what I should or shouldn't do or feel. They just ask how to pray, check up on me, and love me through it all. {they also pour me coffee}

I know I'm the so-called queen of the "feel good messages." I've been reading through past posts from several years ago and even I get annoyed at myself and my gratitude some days. 

I get it. It's great and life-changing to be positive and grateful and joyous. I know that is what we are called to do, but when people are hurting sometimes they just want you to get on your knees with them and say, "Yeah. Life sure can suck." 

Since Jace started chemo, I often think of Mary and how she felt watching her son die a slow, brutal, and difficult death. Even though she knew this was how it was suppose to play out that did not make it any easier on her heart, I'm sure of it. 

In 2013, there was a day when I was fearful of losing my own son. 
In 2014, I lost my mom much earlier than I expected. 
In 2015, well, let's just say it's already looking to be another painful year after a recent visit with my dad. 

Do I trust that God's plan is bigger than my life? Yes
Do I know that His promises will come to pass? Yes
Do I know that I'm redeemed already? Yes

Do I need to only hear the good, the promises, and how God doesn't waste pain? {my own words} No.

In my hurting and grieving, I need people to recognize that even in the promises life can SUCK. I know people don't like that word. I don't like it either. 

But I'm going to be very honest. If you know the details of my story and all the nooks and crannies of complication that have come about in the last several months, then you know I'm not exaggerating or asking for pity. Some days I think I'm the brunt of satan's biggest joke and he's just waiting for me to give up. {I'm not.}

Instead of pretending our lives are always happy, great and inspirational, I wanna see authenticity, genuine feeling and compassion and the ability to recognize that it's ok for life to be hard.

It's very hard for me to listen to PERSON A tell me an inspirational message when they never show they are struggling and are in the business of masking their hardest days. Life is perfect or so they want me to believe. 

I want to hear from PERSON B who has been in the depths of the valley and admits life is a struggle and isn't always sunshine and rainbows. I want to surround myself with those who have the ability to recognize: "this is hard," I can barely breathe through this day," or "today seems to be against me on all sides." 

I am Person B. These things I'm having to sort out, the feelings I'm having to deal with, the loss I'm continually seeing is hard and some days I'm not sure I'll make it through. 

And I'm ok saying that. 

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